Music Together!

We were invited to come to a class at the Discovery Museum by our new friends Cathy and Benton, and we liked it so much, we signed up. I met Cathy at Corte Madera Park a while ago, and she was so kind and helpful about things to do here in Marin for toddlers! It has been challenging for me to be in a new town without any pals with a new baby, and I was happy I met such a good person. Declan's new words are : Auntie, Cathy, Bent Bent, (Benton, his new friend from Music Together) guitar, bark, flower, bench, up step, down, Kate, driver, (screw driver) cow, sheep, goats, penguin, there are so many now it's hard to keep up!

Declan is sweet and kind, and has a tender heart. It is as if the very sun itself were behind his eyes! So full of life and joy! A Blessed Jewell, so precious. I feel like the luckiest Mommy in the whole world to be blessed with such a magic, dear presence. He is like a little politician wherever he goes saying "Hi!" to everyone he sees! One sweet older woman in Molly Stones, the funky, local market here in Bon Air Shopping Center, said "what a gregarious young man!" That describes him entirely. He reminds me of the best parts of my Daddy, (also a Leo)warm, confidant and sweet.

He is very spirited, and can be aggressive with the head butting and kicking. It really got to me when he hurt me a couple of times pretty bad. I yelled at him and got in his face one day, which immediately brought a halt to the vicious body kicks he was delivering while I was trying in vain to change his blowout poopie diaper. Poop everywhere!! I just was so ashamed I lost control, and so sad and disgusted that we were covered in poop, that I started to cry! I can't be too hard on myself..it is not easy to be a good mother, if it were everyone would work as hard as I do. I keep my serenity most of the time, but I just lost it that day. I really scared the little guy, and that just sent my self esteem to the floor.

I must remember that tomorrow is another day to be amazing, and I am only human. We all have pitfalls and challenges daily, and it is our reactions to these events that determine our destiny and happiness. I lost my temper. Big deal. I am not the first Mommy to blow a gasket, but it just feels so AWFUL!!! I don't want to hurt him in any way, and yelling is definitely very hurtful. Peace be with me. Nam Myoho Renge Kyo.

I wrote this poem on that day ( Kosen Rufu means World Peace)

Kosen Rufu Within

help me with this anger
this demon inside of me
help me to be peaceful
help me to be free
show me the way
to forgive myself
for the violence
with word and deed
I have committed
against the innocent
in my lifetime
the shame
and regret
for causing fear
and intimidation
in the eyes of
another
help me to find
the kosen rufu
within my own
body and soul
and sit in that peace
for the rest of my life
giving out peaceful
vibrations
no matter what
remaining even minded
in the face of whatever

The Bay Area Discovery Museum!

We got a membership to The Bay Area Discovery Museum for Christmas from Daddy, and we have been so happy ever since! I met a great Mom at the Corte Madera Park before we moved, and she told me so much great information about activities in Marin for toddlers and cool classes to take. I got her number and I called her recently to get together. She invited us to be her guests at a class she told me about earlier that is held at the Discovery Museum called "Music Together".

We had so much fun there with the teacher Stacy Walden. It was a great opportunity to socialize with other children and for me to hang out with other Mommies. This is just what we needed, so I signed up for the new semester which starts Tuesday. I am thinking of becoming a Music Together teacher, so this is a great way to see first hand how the program works, the benefits Declan enjoys, and the curriculum. I am really happy because my new friend Cathy and her adorable son Benton are taking it again too. After the class we hung out all day and had a great time together. This was the awful day of the weaning meltdown...he just couldn't take it any more after such a "big boy" day!! ; )

We had another playdate later that week at Memorial Park which has a sleeping giant Brontosaurus for kids to climb on. It is fantastic! There are castles and swings, and an open field to run and play in. You can bring your dog so it will be great for Lily. Patrick took us there a couple of weeks ago so it's great that she goes there too. There is a great gymnastics class at the San Anselmo Recreation Center down the street from the park that Benton goes to. I am going to look into that for Declan as well. He's really agile and has great balance so I want to encourage that! I can't wait for class on Tuesday!

http://www.baykidsmuseum.org/programs-and-events/programs/music-programs/

Project WEAN happily cancelled!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Well we fell off of the weaning wagon after 2 1/2 days. I just couldn't do it because it felt so wrong. It just wasn't time. We are back happily nursing and I will let him tell me when it is time for him to quit. He just was more upset than I've ever seen him and seemed to really NEED it. He is still a BABY, not even two years old, and when I see other babies a lot older than him still taking bottles, and I study research about how long the rest of the world breastfeeds which is til at least 3 years old, it is clear to me that it is still a necessary and vital thing for him no matter WHAT anyone says. He wouldn't want it for no reason...I trust his judgment, I want him to trust ME, and it is not about me. I respect his wishes and don't feel bad at all for not "going through with it". I could never forgive myself if I did go through with it. This will be my only child, and I want to do what's best for him. Everything inside me was telling me that this was not the right thing to do, and not my decision to make. After rejecting him for the last time to nurse, his little heart just broke and mine did too! We sobbed together in the kitchen, dancing back and forth as I tried to think of any good reason not to nurse my sweet little dumpling, and I couldn't think of ANY!! I held him close and RAN to the couch so that I could cry and nurse him and make the awful ache in my breasts and my heart go away. I told him over and over as I held him tight that I was so sorry and that I would never do that to him again. I'm glad we're back on track and he is so much happier and back to his old sunny, happy self again. During those brutally agonizing days of no nursing, he changed dramatically, and not for the better. He was less outgoing and happy, and more clingy and whiny. All was not right with my sweetheart. I am confidant that I did the right thing. Here is a quote from an amazing article on the La Leche League website...it is very helpful and informative to nursing Mommies and there are meetings that you can attend to get support for breastfeeding. YAY!

http://www.llli.org/

"On a stormy Sunday evening, with lots of things that needed to be done but nothing better to do, I lay on my bed while nursing my 17-month-old son. Certainly, there was nothing new about this. It was about as routine as a Sunday night giving rise to a Monday morning. It just is, or at least it has been, for the past 17 months.

There was nothing different about this nursing session. As I lay in the classic side-lying nursing position, stroking a little handsome face and wondering where in the world the good dustpan had disappeared to, how I was going to change the burnt out light in the chandelier high up in the foyer, and whether or not I should try to vacuum out the fire extinguisher dust from the bottom oven (long story...don't ask!), a curious sensation caught my attention. A little damp spot was slowing growing into a great big damp spot right across the pillow that I had used to prop myself and the head of my little nursling.

Upon further inspection, it was revealed that the steel grip that my boy had on my breast was a little faulty on the under side. He was sucking, but letting not some, but all of my milk run out the other side.

I pulled back a little, he increased the strength of his sucking, and a little chubby fist firmly clasped the end of my nursing bra—a silent but firm affirmation that he was not yet finished. Even while sound asleep, my little prince gets his way.

I, on the other hand, was a little perplexed. He was nursing so fervently, but he wasn't hungry? The corner of my mouth turned up slightly as the phrase "little fraud" crossed my mind. My Joshua had, somehow, hoodwinked me into letting go of my worries about all of the neglected household duties that were weighing so heavily on my mind.

That very revelation turned my thoughts to less than pleasing meanderings. A good friend of mine, during a long-distance phone conversation the other day, asked me if I was still breastfeeding. "Still" is a word that is becoming seriously distasteful to me. I'm hearing it all too often these days, in the form of the same question. I have to admit that I was a little surprised that this particular friend had said it in such a way that made her disbelief and disapproval very clear. After all, she had breastfed her own son (just three months older than mine) for the first eight months of his life.

I started to think about the rationale that she had used for encouraging me to wean. I have given zero credence to the vast numbers of family members and friends who threaten to spontaneously combust if I don't stop doing "that." But, hearing this from another breastfeeding mother, I felt a tickle of something that I had not felt since before my son was born.

Doubt. I heard my inner voice ask, "So, why are you still doing this?"

Doubt is a funny thing. In healthy doses, it is a tool in this game of life. It makes us question and think. It drives humans to demand proof in our world where a good number of "certainties" remain elusive. Too much doubt, however, can turn into insecurity.

I looked directly at my son's face, inches from my own, and searched for an answer that would quiet the tide of self-doubt that I felt rolling in. Is there something wrong with us? Isn't that the real question? Isn't that what people really want to know when they give you that disbelieving look, and begin to say, "You're still..."?

My hand retraced a path around his perfect little lips. I smoothed his little unruly eyebrows, again, and let my fingers marvel at the perfection of his nose. And, to my amazement, for what must be the gazillionth time, his little hand searched and found my face. Joshua, as he's done countless times before, did a full body snuggle closer and closer until he was wrapped snugly in my arms, my nose touching his forehead.

And with that, the answer was clear to me. He wasn't hungry for food, he was hungry for his mother's love. While I'm certain that he is still getting significant nutritional value for the vast majority of our nursing sessions, I've finally come to understand that there is more to nursing than the nutritional value of mother's milk.

Last night, I let my son teach me a lesson without him ever waking. A lesson that will stay with me forever. There are a great many uncertainties in this world, some big and some insignificant. This is especially so for a toddler, and his rapidly growing world. That I lay in an ever growing wet spot was of absolutely no consequence. My son was in my arms, where he wanted to be, where I wanted him to be, at a time when mothers are easily lured into the mundane duties and daily responsibilities. I'm glad I didn't miss his full-body snuggle, and got yet another opportunity to burn the scent of my freshly bathed, sleeping child into my memory forever. After close to a year and half, I think that my eyes and my mind are finally open enough to embrace the purest gifts of motherhood.

I could have cleaned my oven. Instead, I held my son. Nature and nurture in perfect harmony. There is not a doubt left in my heart."

-Debbie Davis

And here is a funny poem from and Irishwoman dispelling the myth of Irish folk eating corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's day....enjoy!!

GOOD GRIEF – NOT BEEF!
I just want to put something straight
About what should be on your plate,
If it’s corned beef you’re makin’
You’re sadly mistaken,
That isn’t what Irishmen ate.

If you ever go over the pond
You’ll find it’s of bacon they’re fond,
All crispy and fried,
With some cabbage beside,
And a big scoop of praties beyond.

Your average Pat was a peasant
Who could not afford beef or pheasant.
On the end of his fork
Was a bit of salt pork,
As a change from potatoes ’twas pleasant.

This custom the Yanks have invented,
Is an error they’ve never repented,
But bacon’s the stuff
That all Irishmen scoff,
With fried cabbage it is supplemented.

So please get it right this St. Paddy’s.
Don’t feed this old beef to your daddies.
It may be much flasher,
But a simple old rasher,
Is what you should eat with your tatties.

©Frances Shilliday 2004

Cabbage leaves and Sage tea

Good grief this is painful!!! No wonder I put it off for so long! I feel like I just got bad breast implants or something. My breasts are like softballs and are so tender that if you touch them I yelp. I have to carry Declan side saddle, and it hurts to even raise my arms. I read on babycenter.com that cabbage leaves and sage tea help with the pain and speed up the process of the milk drying up. Last night Patrick got some cabbage and fresh sage for me. What a guy! I am now drinking the tea which I made by just tearing the leaves into a cup and pouring hot water over them, and I've got the nice cold cabbage on my boobs. Declan is asleep so I have time to write...man this is HARD!! I just have to suck it up and deal until this passes. The ladies on babycenter said that the next 48 hours or so will SUCK, and after that it gets better. I hope so...it doesn't help that Declan asks for it, but he is doing so much better than I thought he would. It's ME that is not okay. I started crying yesterday because I just am so upset about the loss of my little tiny baby. By weaning him he is officially not a baby anymore and I am okay with that, it's just hard emotionally. I tried to explain to Patrick about my feelings of guilt last night...if Declan still wants it and I am still producing it, am I going against nature by weaning him before he is ready? I am trying to get over it, and I think it will just take some time like anything else.

Weaning

I am absolutely torn to pieces about weaning Declan today. We have cut down to nursing only in the morning and occasional naps for a while now, other than when he was recently sick. I was very thankful for it then and I was trying to wait for him to "self wean", but at this rate he will be 3 and still asking for it! LOL!! I really want my body back and would love to lose the last 15 lbs, so I decided yesterday that it was time now. zThis morning we did not nurse. I don't know why I feel so GUILTY!! It went pretty well considering, but there were a couple of extreme "Nuuunga??" queries before I got him in his chair for breakfast this morning. The routine used to be Daddy would go in and get him in the morning and bring him to me in bed where we would have a relaxing time nursing and we all would be together in bed. It would give me a chance to wake up slowly and have that special time with him. I just now put him down for his nap and this is when it really got heart breaking! He really wanted to nurse and was not taking his sippy cup of milk. Pleading and begging with big green eyes welling with tears. Of course when he gets upset, my first instinct is to nurse and my boobs filled up even more making it extremely tempting to have some relief. As he was crying and I held him tight I sang to him a song from his favorite book "I'll love you forever" by Robert Munsch; "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." I sang this a couple of times to him as tears were streaming down my cheeks. This is sooooooooo hard!! My baby is growing up and as much as it hurts I have to begin a new chapter in our relationship. I am crying as I write this right now. I am so thankful that I was able to nurse at all, let alone for how long I have done it. It has been one of the hardest, most selfless things I have ever accomplished and I am very proud of myself. A couple of times I really wanted to pack it in!! It was difficult nursing with teeth at first, but he was very polite about it after I screamed in pain one time. It was difficult when he was first born because of the lost sleep and the sore nipples...the TUBES AND TUBES of lasinoh nipple balm I went through!! Throughout all of the challenges, I remained steadfast that I would see through a year with him at least because I felt it was best for him and the right thing to do. I am an older Mommy and this will be my last baby I think, so I wanted to stay home and really enjoy him and give him my best. Even though my breasts are sore, and I am very weepy, this too shall pass and we will still be as close as ever.

Patrick Rocks!

This life I am living I could not have even imagined a couple of years ago. Years of my life in a rolling box swirling around the world. Having a home and a baby and a man who really knows me and is my best friend are things I didn't think were in the cards for me. I had resigned myself to a life of selfish creative pursuits. My parent's divorce really made me think that in the end, men always let you down no matter how wonderful they are. I became somewhat of an angry "man eater". I had serious trust issues, and still struggle with them. Patrick and I were friends for almost a year before anything happened between us. That was the first time that had ever happened to me. I am still learning about intimacy and trust, but having a man who loves and understands me and is worthy of trust is the best gift that I can give Declan, because if we are happy then he will be happy. Patrick is the best Daddy I could have ever hoped for Declan, and I am overwhelmed with joy that it will be our two year anniversary in April. We make a great team and I am proud to have him by my side forever.

Getting Hurt and Sick

No Mommy likes to see their baby get hurt, and I am no exception. Fortunately Declan has been relatively boo boo free for most of his little life, but I can't help but feel guilty when it has happened. I just irrationally don't ever want to see him suffer or be in pain if I can help it. He is a boy so I am in for it as far as boo boos for the rest of his life, so I'd better get used to it and FAST! I am sure a lot of Mommies and Daddies feel the same. We were at the park, and he was running fast and on his own on the pavement and fell. His poor little face bounced off the ground dramatically and he ended up having a scrape and slight bump on his forehead and nose. It was terrifying to watch! I normally do not let him run on hard surfaces without holding my hand, but Pat let him run and it only took a second. It is healed now and he wasn't seriously hurt at all, but when I look at his puffy, tear streaked face, I feel such profound love and sympathy that it feels as if my own heart and soul were shattering into a billion pieces. Toddlers have accidents, and that is how they learn. I get it...but try telling that to my heart!

We have been relatively lucky in regard to sickness with Declan, and I attribute that mostly to my prenatal diet and exercise program the whole nine months, absolutely no alcohol during my pregnancy and after while breastfeeding, and the act of "extended" breast feeding or EBF. Also, apparently, multiracial humans, very much like mixed breed dogs or "mutts", are healthier, smarter, more symmetrical facially, and with a much stronger immune system than their pure bred counterparts. Back in my modeling days, I was chosen along with some other models to pose as an illustration to an article in Elle Magazine about a controversial book called "Mean Genes" by Terry Burnham and Jay Phelan. We were all chosen for our symmetrical faces, and as it turns out, the ones who were most racially mixed were the most symmetrical. The article states; "The controversial UCLA biology professor’s ideas are impeccably well-timed. In an era when society has embraced a long roster of multiracial stars like Halle Berry, Tiger Woods, Shakira, and Alicia Keys, when models with dazzlingly varied combinations of skin tone and eye color gaze out from magazine spreads, Phelan has found compelling scientific justification for the cultural moment. In short, he believes people of multiracial heritage are not just inherently more attractive than those who aren’t, but they are stronger and healthier, too." Quite flattering! When I was growing up in Missouri, it was very difficult for me being a racially mixed child, and I suffered quite a bit for it. This validation was very healing and important for my self esteem.

I can't deny that I am hardly ever ill. I have never had mumps, measles, chicken pocks, and barely a cold or flu since adulthood. Patrick, then Declan were struck with the stomach flu one right after the other. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen! Miserably moaning boys vomiting everywhere! Declan vomited directly into my face and I still didn't get sick! I had to stay up all night with him, and this is really when I thanked my lucky stars that I still breastfeed him. It was the only thing he could keep down! Both of the boys are feeling much better, but I am exhausted!!!