Mourning the Loss of Babyhood

I have tried very hard to be present in the moment, and sensitive to Declan's changing needs. We successfully transformed his room into a "big boy room", including taking the rails off of his convertible crib. It is very difficult to get him to sleep at night, and he stays up until 9pm these days or later. Patrick has to lay down in front of the door to prevent him from leaving. It is a drag.

He is asking to nurse every day, and always asks if it is back. It breaks my heart because I really want to give it to him, but because I am taking 5HTP I can't. Also, I know it would relieve the terrible pain in my breasts from the clogged ducts. It would be so easy to go back, but my mental health is more important.